Last night I put a few thousand dollars down on a backup plan.
It was clear to me that in a world full of uncertainty, I wanted some semblance of control.
Perhaps throwing money at it would render the unknowable more certain.
It’s a fine line to walk – staying hopeful while hedging our bets against the future that is always uncertain. In fact, it always has been. The past decades we’ve built our own false god of certainty – if we take the right steps, stay positive, and do the right things, then everything is within our reach. That certainty allowed us judgement – of others, certainly. But more fundamentally, of ourselves – the not enoughness that permeates living. The non enoughness that in its most benign and toxic – a constant barrage of unsolicited advice and feedback, to others, and then quietly, in those dark places in our hearts, to ourselves.
So, here we are.
What is the gift of this day? Of the spirit that reside within us. Not the one of fear, that manifests in control. Or the one of judgement, that shows up in imagined conversations and debates with our neighbor, replayed over and over in our heads.
No. This moment.
One where we choose to embrace this lightness in our heart, and also, the longing.
To name the emotion – loneliness. Pain.
Then, to hope.
Perhaps to throw down a thousand dollar deposit, or to take the risk of calling a friend and extending an invitation.
Or. The risk of unearthing what is most true inside of us, the needs that we have that are true and lovely and worthy. And cleaning out the inbox of the rest.
So. I dance in this cold, open room, for just a moment.
I praise the one who is unknowable and I thank this One wild spirit for the sun drenching the world outside my window.
I unclasp my hands of certainty while giving myself permission to dream for moments – moments this summer, and beyond.
And I honor the person and the task which is in front of me, starting with myself.
Step Into Growth 