The Risk of Hope

My friend Scott asked me why I started this new blog – Step into Growth – instead of continuing Bald Mama Speaks.

I guess at some point I decided I didn’t want to be bald anymore.

I tell people that losing my hair has brought me closer to God and my faith. I say that I’m grateful for this journey. I recount that, despite the pain at times, I would choose to do it again.  I say that being bald has forced me to embrace being comfortable and confident in my own skin.

All of this is true.

Yet I don’t want to define myself by this state of being, by this journey, that truthfully I hope will end. To change from Bald Mama Speaks to Step into Growth is to speak with intention.

And still. I’ve lost more hair in the past two weeks than I have in a year. Half my head is now hairless, after a trembling period where I had more than before. Before the month is over, it may all be gone. My eyes tear up with grief at the thought of what I’ve lost so far, and what’s left to lose.

And though I can survive and thrive in anything, I still must dare to hope.

In the end, it was only losing my hair that started to loosen the grip of perfectionism and control that had engulfed me. For this — these hairs falling out in clumps overnight, and then in some places, inexplicably growing back in gray – this, in the end, is the one thing I can not control, plan, or predict. And that, of course, has led me to my one defining truth:

There is a power out there so much greater than myself, in this wonderful amazing universe. I am but a speck in this vastness. Despite my many desperate attempts, I can’t control the movements of this life. And yet, I can profoundly impact the people around me more than I know. I am enough.

Embracing hope is a risk. I may be disappointed. A head full of hair may not be in the plans for my life. Yet stepping into growth requires this of me.  For if I can’t imagine change, then how will I move forward?

What do you risk hope about in your life?

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