Somehow January slipped out of my hands.
I thought I started the new year energized, and with intention, and yet there are some things that feel stuck to me at the moment.
Like my writing.
This blog was born in months of dreaming and scheming and planning. And yet the new year started and I just couldn’t (didn’t) write.
In truth, much has been happening this past month. Those of you close to me know I’m an action person. I make lists. Get things done. And this month, I got stuck, got sick, broke some commitments to folks in my broader circle – realized that was okay – and got lead by God (working through friends) to a few common themes.
I am enough.
This will take a lifetime to realize. And yet I will start. To know that I am a child loved by God, first and foremost. Loved by this higher power of mine that I don’t always understand and more often ignore. And all this work I’ve been doing, mostly unknowingly – to make sure everyone else’s feelings don’t get hurt, and that I don’t let them down – is distracting me from taking care of myself and cultivating some of these burning gifts inside me. It took a divine push of three separate friends mentioning Brene Brown for me to pay attention. Her book The Gifts of Imperfection has really brought me to this theme of I am enough.
I think my expectations get the best of me, most of the time. I can’t start this blog until I’m ready and committed to do it everyday (but when would that feeling ever just happen anyway?). I’ve been learning so much from the mom who co-leads the lego club we’ve started for my son’s class. First she is great with kids and has endless patience. And she also has a great sense to let things evolve. Lego free play will evolve to building kits will evolve to using motors. I don’t have to over-complicate things. And so here I am writing. Letting this blog and this project evolve as it will!
I’ve realized I need to let go of some things in my life to make space for the new things to grow. Some are things I’ve loved dearly in the past but aren’t meant for this season. Some things are those commitments that hang over me with endless anxiety and take up energy. Mostly I need to let go of the thoughts that loom over me about what’s next, which distract me from the present moment.
I am enough. Just start. Let go.
And so, this new year begins – again!